Last month Ev turned 6. I haven’t posted those photos until now and it only recently hit me why. It’s the same reason my blog has sort of, trickled, where once it flowed. It’s hard, now.

In the days leading up to Ev’s birthday I frequently burst into tears. In the days since, I’ve felt a little numb. Sad, but numb. Not because I’m sad he’s older. That’s silly. And simple.

The week before Ev’s birthday it hit me, you see. That he was going to be 6. That every day after that he would be older than Rebecca ever would be. She died on her birthday. It’s poetic and wrong. She’s 3.5 months older than Ev. Supposed to be.

For me it’s tough to reconcile the happiness. It feels unkind to be happy, to flaunt it here. I know better, of course. I know it’s just life. That sometimes it is my family that will endure the hard times while my friends have what seems to be easy happiness. But still.

This will probably hit me like this again when Del turns 6 in two years. Inconceivable. Or maybe by then it will be softer.

Now I watch Ev grow. And tackle those moments when Del asks me, “When will Becca be alive again?”

Cleveland Color Run 2014

About a month ago I saw something about a color run 5K at night. It sounded strange and really fun and I decided I wanted to do it. But it was only 2 weeks away. I was thiiiiiiis close to signing up for it when I saw that there was a Color Run happening here in Cleveland. I had more time to get some training in and it was in the day so there’d be more photo opportunities. You know how I like a good photo op.

I’m so glad I did. This morning was the run and it was fantastic. I would do this again. I will do this again! And my friend agreed, which means I’ll have a buddy for it! This 5K was so much easier than the 10k I did while pregnant with Delilah. Maybe because I was 3 or 4 months pregnant then, or maybe because I had someone to chat with and keep me company so wasn’t focusing on the hills.

Here are the photos I took with my iPhone…

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